City gives nudists a pass, tech fights gentrification blues

Castro Street (photo: torbakhopper/flickr)
Castro Street (photo: torbakhopper/flickr)

April is starting out like gangbusters with a heavy hitting news day today.

First up, the Board of Supervisors met during an emergency session yesterday evening to approve a one day reprieve on the ban against nudity throughout the city and specifically the Castro. Nudists who have been fighting to win back the privilege of traversing the city streets sans clothing or sock dongles will be allowed to roam the streets in the buff for the entire day today without harassment from the SFPD. Blinders will be given out for free at Jane Warner Plaza to pearl-clutchers and children who want to avoid getting an eyeful of balls. Supervisor David Campos moved to have the Castro’s Supervisor (and brain-child of the nudity ban), Scott Wiener, join in the fun by requiring him to live as a nudist for a day. President of the Board of Supervisors, David Chiu, seconded the motion and the motion passed with a vote of 10-1, Wiener being the lone dissenter.

Wiener, a Harvard Law graduate, said in response to an email from the Castro Biscuit seeking comment that he is not sure if the Board of Supervisors can force him to actually remain in the buff for the entire day, “I don’t think there is precedent that would compel me to participate in what the full Board is requiring of me, but I’m a good sport so I’m just going to go with it. Besides, I think this is a good way for folks to see what I have to offer in preparation for my reelection campaign this year.”


Next up, in what seems to be a move to help gain some sort of goodwill from the community after a tough year of negative press aimed at the tech sector in the bay area, Twitter, Apple, Facebook, and Google announced in a joint press release this morning that they would be hosting a “Tech Bus Party” in the Castro, opening their busses to the public for one night only complete with champagne bubbly and tenants rights advocates available for consultation (towards the back of the bus). Each company will be donating 3 busses (12 total) that will line Castro Street from Market to 19th from 6PM to midnight, effectively shutting down Castro Street. Along the road between the busses the tech giants will set up a rainbow colored slip ‘n slide that will extend from Market to 18th.

Apple iWatch prototype

Apple iWatch prototype

Since Governor Jerry Brown has declared a state of emergency over the State’s  scarce water supply, Twitter’s founder, Jack Dorsey, contacted college roommate Michael Trigg, CEO of WET Lubricants, who has offered to supply 5,000 gallons of lubricant to power the slip ‘n slide.

QBar gogo boys will be at the bottom of the slip ‘n slide to greet Castro sliders with a prototype of Apple’s forthcoming iWatch and for those that manage to take a ‘selfie’ and hashtag #gentrification on their way down the slide, Facebook will be offering free Javascript course vouchers in hopes to recruit more tech talent.


Moving along… Not to be outdone by AVA 55 Ninth downtown which is offering free rent for a year and in a final push to fill empty condos in the new build The Century (located at the nexus of Market, 15th, and Sanchez), Vanguard Properties has purchased two of the condo spaces and will be offering them for rent at below market rate prices to the first 2 people to email them at [email protected]. The two units being offered are the coveted corner “triangle” floorplan units located on the east corner of the build. Each condo space is 2 bedroom, 2 bath, appointed with Design Within Reach furniture, Nest thermostats, and smart appliances that notify you when you’re low on food, your dishes are clean, or when your unmentionables have finished washing. Get in quick!


Baby wrestling singlet from Baby Gap

Baby wrestling singlet from Baby Gap

And finally… while West Coast Leather (400 Castro Street), is on its way out of the iconic building located at Market and Castro, a new tenant is already lined up and ready to move in. The Eureka Valley Neighborhood Association and the Duboce Triangle Neighborhood Association voted unanimously to recommend an approval of the conditional use permit from the SF Planning Department for Gap, Inc to take over the location for its popular Baby Gap brand. That’s right, the Castro is getting a Baby Gap. Though Baby Gap operates 11 or more locations in the United States and is considered formula retail, the neighborhood associations and many Castro residents feel like the area has been underserved due to the rise in gay marriages and the changing demographics of the neighborhood. The Castro Merchants Association (formerly MUMC) President, Terry Asten Bennett, said the chain store is welcome in the area and worked with Gap, Inc. to make sure the chain added a special Castro flair to its merchandising. “We worked with Gap, Inc. on some new clothing ideas that we think will please parents shopping for clothes for their infant or toddler.” Amongst the new fashions to be featured are baby wrestling singlets and rainbow colored baby ascots. “We think the Castro will love them,” said Gap, Inc. CEO, Glenn Murphy, who will be at the ribbon cutting today at noon.

Happy April!

Roy McKenzie

Roy has been a Castro resident since 2010 and is passionate about politics, camping, and food. Follow his babbling on Twitter.

14 Responses

  1. Sanchez Resident says:

    You had me right up to the EVNA and DTNA approval of Baby Gap. April Fools.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  2. Sam says:

    April Fools!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 3

  3. Roy you have outdone yourself Sir!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

  4. Joe says:

    Fantastic job. You got me good. Thanks for the laugh!

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  5. Mark Vogel says:

    Yep, I believed it all right up to EVNA and DTNA. Good job, and thanks for the laugh.

    Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

  6. Alan Beach-Nelson says:

    HILARIOUS! I believed it right up until the EVNA and DTNA comment. I’m laughing so hard! Thanks Roy!

    Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

  7. Susan says:

    Thanks! This is terrific.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

  8. Mitch Mansfield says:

    Very clever!

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  9. I have to agree with all of the above posters: GREAT APRIL FOOL’S ARTICLE!

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  10. Ramón says:

    Wait! Wiener won’t wag wonder-wang while we watch wide-eyed?!? Why? Will we want what Wiener wields?

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  11. I stopped reading at the Google bus thing and even wrote Scott…what in the world is going on??? Then some smart person reminded me it was all April fools! OMG, I fell for it…then I just read the rest..the Baby Gap is hysterical..Nice job!! You got a lot of us!

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  12. Roy McKenzie says:

    Glad you all enjoyed that. We’ll return to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

    Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

  13. sjg says:

    Totally fooled me…especially the Baby Gap part.

    Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  14. RW says:

    Tech Bus Party in the Castro? Will we be allowed to climb on top of the busses and vomit?

    Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

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